You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Watching her eat just hurts me
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My dick has a subreddit
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
