I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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