My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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