Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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