don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
