It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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