So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
