i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
