I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
