Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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