I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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