My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
