Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
