i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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