There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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