I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
