She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
