when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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