Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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