Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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