i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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