Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
