So drunk its hurt
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
