From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
