It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
