I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
