Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
