so that wasnt chicken after all
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
