meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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