At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
