I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
