Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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