Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
