just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
