Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
