I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
