I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
