i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Randomize
