I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
