YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
