Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
