We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
