Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
