New low: just hacked my moms facebook
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
