my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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