She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
