I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
