He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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