so that wasnt chicken after all
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
