if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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